Chapter 117
Chapter 117
I feel strangely detached as I flee upstairs to my room, unable to bear being downstairs in that basement a moment longer. unable to face Xander or meet his eyes. Some part of me recognizes how childish this is, but another part of me can’t help it. I drop onto the bed, feeling as though I’m empty, even as I place a hand on my stomach, wishing I could feel my pup kicking or moving inside of me. Something to distract me from all the bad things that were happening and to give me something hopeful for the future. I sigh and hear a knock at the door. I sniff, smelling one of my mates at the door, and surmise that it can only be Xander. This talk between us was inevitable, I thought with resignation but it could have waited until later. Maybe that was just wishful thinking but I wasn’t exactly looking forward to what he had to say. “Regan” he calls, his tone firm, “Can we talk?”
I want to refuse, but he opens the door and the moment our eyes meet, I’m lost. My mouth parts as he strides into the room, moving awkwardly to the center, as though fearful to touch me. I frown, wondering if I have been overreacting in such a way that Xander is being careful to keep his distance in case I lose control of myself. He runs a hand through his hair, looking exasperated and at a loss of what to say. I can feel myself wringing both my hands together, feeling inexplicably nervous although I don’t know why. “What?” I whisper, at last, unable to bear the silence any longer.
He fixes his eyes on me. “Why do you hate me?” he demands, and I let out a large exhale, feeling guilty.
I don’t hate him. I truly don’t. But I am hurt and I’m jealous and I don’t know how to control the feelings that continue to twist my insides and make me want to scream out in fury. Sometimes it feels as though he’s ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it, even though I know he didn’t sleep with Isabelle to get her pregnant. I could blame pregnancy hormones, but I know it’s me.
“I don’t hate you” I whisper between quivering lips, feeling the urge to cry.
I could never hate him. Not my mate. That was impossible. He looks surprised by the admission and then upset. “If you don’t hate me then why do you act as though you do?” he asked slowly as I stilled. “You look at me with such condemnation in your eyes” he continued “and you won’t look at me, not fully. It hurts Regan” he admitted, putting a hand over his heart. “Both my wolf and I feel as though we’ve done something unforgivable, and we don’t know how to fix it. I know how much this situation with Isabelle and the pup” he winces “is hurting you but I can’t do anything to make it change.”
He looks devastated and I know I’m to blame for that. I’ve hurt my mate far more than I’ve realized.
“Don’t you think I know that?” my voice is wooden. “Everything has always been overshadowed by Isabelle. You were meant to be her chosen mates. You barely had a glance for me until the day you realized we were fated and then, because I rejected you, you decided that you both had to have me. Do you know how it feels to be second best? As if you both settled for me?” 1 demanded, knowing I was being irrational and yet still blurting out the words.
He opens his mouth to object, but I put my hand up, my chest heaving. “I can’t have one thing for myself without Isabelle ruining it. Do you know how much I wish that I was the only one pregnant? Not just because as mates, it should have only been me, but because, even now, the whole event, the whole thing, as exciting as it should be for me,” My voice cracks slightly now as his eyes widen and a look of shame crosses his face “it’s overshadowed by Isabelle again because she’s also carrying your child, and she got pregnant first. I’m always the last one, the second best in every scenario” My voice is bitter.
I’ve always been in competition with Isabelle, but always come out as the loser. She was the golden princess and I was the pathetic mutt who got beaten and abused. I was still very much the loser.
“That’s not true” Xander ventured to say.
09:43 de, 11 Feb
*90%
“Isn’t it?” I turned on him with a sharp expression. “Don’t you recall saying that you would never leave Isabelle for anybody, including me?”
“That was before” he shifted uncomfortably on his feet. “I don’t feel that way now.”
“No?” my voice is mocking “yet you still protect her at every turn.”
“What am I supposed to do? She carries my pup” he argued, looking away from me with defeat written all over his face.
“So do I” I screamed taking him aback, and sending Xavier running upstairs to us, his body stilling in the doorway as he saw Xander and me facing each other, “and yet you’ve barely acknowledged it because you are so concerned about Isabelle and your other pup.”
His mouth drops open. “Regan that’s not true. I love you and I love the pup you are carrying. Yes, I’ve shown concern towards my other one, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to love any of them less equally” he said quietly, moving forward and putting his hand on my shoulder “I would never do that.”
“But what if I can’t?” I ventured to say, finally forcing the words out of my mouth and causing both twins to look shocked as they stared at me, unable to believe what I was saying. “What if I can’t treat both babies the same, knowing that Isabelle is the mother of one of them? Does that make me seem like some sort of monster? I tried” I confessed, feeling nothing but guilt as understanding dawned in Xander’s eyes. “But the more I think about it, the more I don’t know that I can put aside my anger to raise the other baby” I admitted. “Oh Regan” Xander breathes, looking apologetic “you won’t be the only one raising these babies. I didn’t realize how much I was asking of you. I was selfish to think that you wouldn’t be affected by the parentage of my pup and to put you in such a position. But you don’t know for certain how you will feel until the child is born, will you?” he asked me gently.
I wiped a stray tear from my eye and shook my head. “No, I can’t say for sure, but it frightens me enough. What if I can’t get
leave me?” I asked and saw love come over his face. over it? Would
you
“No, we would work through it together. I love you Regan, I guess I don’t show you enough sometimes” he admitted lowly “but I’ve always felt as though you’ve favored Xavier over me.”
It was my turn to look shocked. “Xander, I love you both equally”, I told him earnestly “I’ve just been so angry and so confused, I guess that I took some of that out on you and that wasn’t fair.”
It was time for both of us to look teary-eyed. I saw Xavier subtly back away and leave, giving the two of us privacy, a look of relief on his face.
“I’m sorry” he murmured, wrapping his arms around me as I melted into him “I guess we both need to communicate more.”
I laughed in spite of myself, another tear trailing down my cheek. “I guess so. Maybe now that Isabelle is unable to hurt us, things will get back to normal relatively soon, providing we find Heather” I added.
He nodded, before bending down and kissing me on the lips. “Maybe” he muttered, picking me up and moving me against a wall as I gasped at him, his eyes shining mischievously.
“”Xander?” I asked.
I felt his hands pull my panties aside from underneath the casual sundress I had adopted, causing my breath to catch in my throat before his hand began to go to his trousers while I wrapped my legs around his waist.
“I think it’s time I showed you just how much you mean to me” he growled and unceremoniously began to lower me onto his shaft as my head flung back and my fingers gripped his shoulders, my nails digging into his skin. Needless to say, my screams soon filled the room and Xander gave me much more than I had bargained for, but I wasn’t